so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
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