Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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