As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
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