ok so the lil girl sitting behind u was picking the hairs off ur sisters back and putting them in her mouth
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
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