I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
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