I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
Houston, we have a blender
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
