I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
