bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
Randomize
