theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
I'm eating all of the evidence.
i was looking up hair salons in ithaca for the wedding and one is a hair salon/ sake bar! you can have sake or champagne while you get your hair done!
question, how would one sake-bomb while getting hair done without getting a horrible haircut?
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
the gays at disneyland are vicious
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
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