It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
We left an ass print on the piano.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
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