i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
Randomize
