i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
Randomize
