John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
Randomize
