Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
