He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
