Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
spent the night holding naked strippers up for keg stands and doing endless amounts of body shots. good game 8am final exam.
whats an extra semester when you've already been in college for 6 years?
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
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