Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Randomize
