I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
Randomize
