He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
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