Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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