you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
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