My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
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