too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
Randomize
