She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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