Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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