I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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