More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
So my teacher figured out I made a drinking game out of her lecture. Once my drink was gone she let us out. Happy St. Patricks day class. Your welcome
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
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