I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
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