the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
Randomize
