i've alrwady decidided boys hate me plkease take notyes.
what
nvm
I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Randomize
