She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
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