i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
I am at a striph cluv. They are ovealls everywhere. I have hot rock botto.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
Randomize
