You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
Just invented taco cereal.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
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