when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Randomize
