I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
wow bdsm is so cute
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
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