I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
so i turned around to do some reverse cowgirl when he said that this was such a better visual for him. Bad compliment or serious insult. i cant tell
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
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