in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Randomize
