just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
I just had sex on a roof
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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