who do you think you are?
someone who doesn't ask that question
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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