You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
Randomize
