your life is more of a joke than dina lohan.
if you\'re going to compare me please pick the classy one. Michael Lohan.
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Randomize
