i hope S**** or M***** or someone took note of the fact that i was drinking popov like water and could no longer form sentences. i mean, dont get me wrong i had been thinking about boning R*** long before my sobriety left the picture but the number of reasons not to, outweighed the temptation and without sir robert burnett as R***'s wingman, it would have never happened
im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Randomize
