That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
Randomize
