dude im shwasted, kabul is not the best place for this
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
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