I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
