Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Randomize
