then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
Randomize
