At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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