You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
Randomize
