Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
People with herpes should wear stickers.
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
Randomize
