Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
