I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
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