if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Randomize
