i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
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