In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
